Defining Beauty
by one hundred zeros
Summary: He is aware that these selfish moments seemed much more common than his selfless ones, but he is no martyr and he does not try, no matter how much he wishes to keep Sai to himself. HikaSai


**A/N: Another one shot written in one night. I am currently a little depressed over having lost my Copics, but I'll survive.**

**Disclaimer: Hikaru no Go is property of Hotta and Obata, and does not belong to me. No copyright infringement intended.**

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**Prologues /**/ Epilogues

_You know, every beginning is just another ending._

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**Eternity /**/ Transience

_And nothing ever really lasts forever._

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When he was young, Hikaru's mother had brought him Sakura viewing every spring, and young Hikaru had always stood beneath the trees watching as the delicate flower petals rained down on him in a storm of pink. When the wind blew, the branches would sway and from afar it would look like an endless, ceaseless ocean, and the petals would scatter upon the breeze swirling upwards into the sky.

His family would then sit beneath one of those trees and drink tea and eat mochi while young Hikaru ran across the Sakura-covered grass with the other children, singing nonsensical rhymes which he could no longer remember and playing made-up games with whatever they could find - sometimes a bit of string, sometimes a wide-brimmed sunhat, sometimes even stalks of wild flowers and soil.

Afterwards, he would lie in the grass, breathless with his cheeks tinged pink, and look up at the shifting clouds in the sky. He would see a rabbit, maybe, or an ice cream if he was hungry, but mostly, he only saw clouds in a brilliantly blue sky. He could never seem to see the castles that other children saw, but for him the spring-colored sky was just as magnificent and endless.

That had been his idea of beauty then. The fragile Sakura flowers that came with the changing of the seasons which would color the skies and the trees and the ground pink, the silly songs he sang and colorless clouds in an endless blue.

Beauty had been simple then, so was happiness. Back then, laughter had come easy.

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**Heaven /**/ Earth

_If earth does not exist, what will be the Reason for heaven?_

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After he had learnt to play Go, Hikaru found beauty in the patterns of black and white laid out on the board. Behind every move lay an understanding, a fierce determination, a different universe. Its beauty did not lie in its colors, but rather in its monochrome, and Go was beautiful not because of its existence but because of the ones who bring about this existence.

This world Sai had brought him to, a world that had existed a thousand years ago and which will exist a thousand years into the future. Its beauty was in its permanence, and in its evanescence.

They say that any game played between strong enough players will always have its own 'soul', a soul that was as undying as the game itself. But even if Hikaru cannot see this soul for himself, he can sense it in every move he sets down, in his opponent and within himself. He cannot help but wonder if the game was a part of him or if he was just a part of the game.

Even if he was only one existence in this translation of eternity, even if his was only one dream amongst countless others, its beauty had still brought him happiness.

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**Love /**/ Indifference

_The true opposite of love was never hate, but rather indifference._

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Hikaru had known Akari for as long as he could remember, going to the same schools, reading the same books, playing the same games. He had been teased before, too, about Akari being his girlfriend, and after a few indignant protests at the beginning, he had resigned himself to the fact that the misunderstanding was not going to be cleared up anytime soon.

But when one day, during a conversation with Sai about the things which he had liked to do when he was young - before Go came along - and Akari had been mentioned, the spirit's cheerful question about whether the girl was his girlfriend had his stomach twisting into knots.

He didn't understand why, and huffily replied that Akari was just a good friend, and that they were definitely not involved otherwise. He had then attributed his irritation to the ramen he had had for lunch and promptly refused to speak to Sai for the next three days.

Still, it was not as though Akari was unattractive. Certainly not. As far as Hikaru was concerned, he was fairly convinced that his childhood friend was one of the cutest girls around - pretty even - but to him at least, standing next to Sai, she just seemed to pale in comparison.

Of course, he was hardly being fair - and Sai was male - but he never really cared back then, and he wasn't going to start now.

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**Dreaming /**/ Waking

_Is reality but a dream? And who can really say that dreams are not reality?_

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It had always struck Hikaru strange that even when no one else could so much see Sai - to him, the spirit was as solid and real as any other human.

When he had asked about this though, Sai had explained that it was because he inhabited a little bit of Hikaru's heart so that to the boy at least, he was real - and Hikaru had wondered what it meant. Was Sai just a memory he cannot forget? Or someone he loved too much?

Then he wondered which option will hurt him less.

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**Selfish /**/ Selfless

_Can anyone ever really give up that which they hold dear?_

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Hikaru knew that there were times when he wished that other people could see Sai too, so that the ghost would not be so lonely; but at the same time, during Hikaru's selfish moments, he knew he wished just as much that he would be the only one who ever saw Sai.

He is aware that these selfish moments seemed much more common than his selfless ones, but he is no martyr and he does not try.

No one ever completely belongs to anyone else, even if they inhabited a little bit of your heart; but sometimes, sometimes, Hikaru wished that that was not true.

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**Choice /**/ Destiny

_Sometimes our choices are just another a game of destiny._

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Hikaru cannot help but wonder if beauty was a part of fate. If the Sakuras blossom every year, will they blossom forever in their flourishing, withering beauty long after people disappear?

But of course, were they then created to be beautiful? Or were they beautiful because of the humans who had sat beneath their spreading branches every spring and sang rhymes and drank tea?

He does not know, and when he had asked Sai, the ghost had merely smiled in his mysterious way and said, "Is Go beautiful, Hikaru? Or do you think that the moves played are even more beautiful?"

The boy had pouted then and accused Sai of being too damned cryptic and how was he supposed to know?

But he _did _know - after all, the answer was the same as how Sai had at once both chosen to come to him and had no choice but to come to him. Fate was like that sometimes, and so long as Sai stayed with him, Hikaru thinks that he does not mind.

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**Music /**/ Silence

_Only when it is too late, do we remember words thought of and never said._

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Hikaru could never appreciate silence - he was always loud noise and exclamations and shouting. Silence was stifling to him - it kept too many secrets, too much awkwardness, and he did not know how to deal with them.

Sai, though, has always been the exact opposite, always mild and gentle; but Hikaru promised himself that he was not going to let that get to him. He would still say whatever he wanted, keep nothing back and definitely not put up with silence.

Sai never did mind his loudness, though, and Hikaru liked him all the better for that, but it never did occur to him that in the end, there will still be things which he had left unsaid.

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**Partings /**/ Leavings

_All things come to an end, no matter how we wish to hide from this truth._

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When Sai disappeared, Hikaru learnt that beauty was only beautiful because of its transience, only remembered because of its in-existence. If he could turn back time and return to Yesterday, would Tomorrow be any different? He does not know, and so he has no choice but to go on.

Searching for a little more happiness, everyone leaves something behind, but who can really say that what you are searching for is worth more than what you have abandoned? Regret will always be cold, and the pain always numbing, and the tears will always only come after the things which you have lost can never be found.

But no matter how much it hurts, or how he is chained by a thousand year-old memory, he still has to walk on. He can try, a little, to hold on to what happiness he already has and let those which he cannot have pass him by - this is also one of the reasons for beauty. But he is also still human, and he will still lose some things, let some things go, forget

some things, and he cannot do anything about it.

Happiness is just like beauty, and even if one exists without the other, both are fleeting. But all the same, no matter how many springs will come to pass, Go is still played, and the Sakuras still bloom and no matter how people live and die, some beautiful things still fade and some never will.

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**Endings /**/ Beginnings

_Before Creation, there has always first to be Destruction._

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**A/N: I am well aware that Beauty and Happiness are a little strange for themes, but, oh well, who is to say that I cannot use them? Although, of course, here I might have used Beauty and Love a little interchangeably. In other words, Sai is Beauty (Love) which was lost before it was even found.**

**So, how was it? if people like it enough, I might want to expand it so that it ends a little more happily... I'm not sure. What do you think?**

**Your reviews fuel my passion for writing.**

**MoonMyst**


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